Who’s the Bigger Ghoster: Men or Women?

The different types of ghosts haunting the dating world—and what they reveal about us.

In the spirit of Halloween, I thought it was the perfect time to talk about ghosting. So, who’s guilty of it? Men or women?

If you’re unfamiliar with the term, ghosting is when someone suddenly disappears from your dating life without explanation. You go on a date, send a follow-up text, and get nothing back. You’re texting, making plans, and then—poof!—they vanish. Sometimes, they even fail to show up for a date altogether. No explanation. No goodbye. Just silence.

And then there’s the ghost who comes back to life weeks or even months later, sliding into your DMs as though nothing ever happened. Let’s be honest: nobody likes an unexpected visit from a ghost.

As a matchmaker, I’ve been ghosted, too. I’m simply trying to connect people and—poof!—they disappear. They stop responding to my emails, and I have absolutely no interest in chasing them. If you can’t communicate with me, someone who is literally trying to help you find a partner, how are you navigating relationships in the real world?

So, back to our original question: Who ghosts more, men or women?

Honestly, I think both are equally capable of disappearing. Ghosting isn't exclusive to one gender. It’s a human behaviour, and I suspect it has far more to do with how we approach dating than whether we’re men or women.

I believe ghosting is often a symptom of unintentional dating. People say they want to find someone, but they haven't necessarily thought about what that means or how they want to show up in the process. Then, when an uncomfortable situation arises, they take the easiest way out: they stop responding.

That said, I have some compassion for the ghosts out there. Not everyone disappears because they’re careless or cruel. Sometimes, there’s something deeper going on.

Over the years, I’ve identified three types of ghosts haunting the dating world.

1. The Person Who Can't Say No

I can relate to this person more than I care to admit.

Sometimes I think that if I knew how to say no the right way, I’d get more yeses in life. If I had the right words and the right tools, maybe I could communicate difficult things without worrying about how the other person would react.

But here's what I've come to realize: a negative response isn't a bad response. It's simply a response.

I've written countless blog posts about how to tell someone you're not interested. It really can be as simple as:

"Thanks for the date! I had a lovely time getting to know you, but I don't feel a romantic connection. I wish you all the best."

Easy, right?

Well, not always. We all know the words. The hard part is dealing with what happens inside us when we have to say them. We worry about hurting someone's feelings, disappointing them, or being seen as the bad guy. Sometimes, we're so uncomfortable with someone else's potential disappointment that we'd rather disappear than have an honest conversation.

I'm even considering booking an appointment with my therapist to work on this myself and begin my journey of saying NO. There must be something holding us back, and I'd like to figure out what it is.

Because here's the thing: you can be kind without saying yes. You can disappoint someone without being a bad person. And you can reject someone without making them feel small.

Learning to say no is a dating skill. And the sooner we master it, the better our relationships will be.

2. The Person Who Lives in Their Head

Most people live on planet Earth. Others live entirely inside their own heads. You'll need a special visa to get there, and once you arrive, it's every person for themselves.

These are the overthinkers. They analyze every possibility, question every decision, and spend so much time trying to figure out what might happen that they forget to actually do anything.

I once set up two people who matched at one of our dating events. She really liked him, but he didn't reach out to her on Instagram until a month later. By then, she'd lost interest and blocked him.

When I asked him why he'd waited so long, he explained that he had been busy with work and wasn't sure how he felt. Eventually, he decided to reach out—but by then, the opportunity had passed.

I couldn't help thinking: A whole month?

Of course, people have busy lives, and not everyone is ready to pursue a connection immediately. But sometimes, what we call being busy is really uncertainty, fear, or overthinking dressed up as a perfectly reasonable excuse.

First dates can be stressful. Some people worry about wasting their time if they're unsure about someone. Others want to feel a spark before they're willing to invest another evening.

But here's the problem: dating comes with no guarantees. You have to participate before you can know the outcome.

You don't need to know whether someone is your future spouse before agreeing to a first date. You don't even need to know whether you'll kiss them. The goal of a first date is much simpler: figure out whether you'd like to see them again.

That's it.

And here's my advice: if you're going on dates every week, you can probably afford to be selective about the people you're unsure of. But if you haven't been on a date in weeks or months, I'd encourage you to reconsider that approach.

Go out with the person you're curious about, even if they don't tick every box. Give the person you're not entirely sure about an opportunity to surprise you. You might discover something that a dating profile could never have told you.

This doesn't mean lowering your standards or forcing a connection. It means being open to the possibility that attraction and compatibility aren't always obvious before you've met someone.

If you don't enjoy their company, you don't owe them a second date. You can simply tell them you're not interested.

And if you're the type who can't say no? Well, please refer to Ghost Number One.

Just kidding! (Mostly.)

3. The Angry Dater

I'm guilty of this one, too.

I remember going on an absolutely awful date. When he texted me afterward, I had to physically stop myself from sending him an angry message. Instead, I decided to ghost him.

I couldn't get over the fact that he seemed completely oblivious to how badly the date was going. I paid my own bill, even though he'd offered to pay, waved goodbye, and practically ran out of the bar. All this after rolling my eyes approximately a hundred times throughout the evening.

Seriously, how did he not get the message?

In retrospect, though, my behaviour wasn't exactly exemplary. I was frustrated, and I didn't want to deal with the situation. That doesn't excuse my decision to disappear.

At that point in my dating journey, I'd been on so many dates that very few of them progressed to a second one. Sometimes the other person didn't reach out. Sometimes I didn't. And sometimes, we both understood that there was no reason to continue.

There was nothing wrong with that. Not every date needs a follow-up conversation, especially when both people have clearly moved on. The problem arises when one person is left wondering what happened because the other person refuses to communicate.

If you're an angry dater, my advice is simple: don't respond while you're still upset.

Give yourself some time. 

You don't have to tell someone everything you disliked about them. 

A simple, "Thanks for meeting me, but I don't think we're a match. All the best," will do.

I'd also argue that the person who is too busy to be bothered communicating can sometimes fall into this category. They may not be actively angry, but they're frustrated with dating, tired of the process, and no longer willing to invest the energy required to treat another person with consideration.

And that brings us to a bigger issue.

So, Is Ghosting Really a Dating Trend?

Ghosting has become part of our dating vocabulary, but I don't think it's simply a trend. I think it's often a symptom of something deeper.

It's the person who doesn't know what they're looking for. The person who's frustrated with dating and has stopped trying. The person who's so attached to a checklist that nobody can possibly measure up. The person who wants a relationship but hasn't figured out what they're willing to contribute to one.

Not every unanswered message is ghosting, and nobody owes anyone romantic interest. If you've been on one date and neither person follows up, that's often just dating. If someone has clearly expressed disinterest, there's no need to keep pursuing them.

But when you've established a connection, made plans, or left someone expecting a response, disappearing rather than communicating can leave the other person confused and questioning themselves.

We can't control how other people behave, but we can take responsibility for how we show up.

If you're dating without a compass, you'll probably find yourself going in the wrong direction. You might waste time pursuing people who aren't right for you, dismiss people who deserve a chance, or disappear when things become uncomfortable.

So, before you blame the dating apps, the opposite sex, or the sorry state of modern dating, ask yourself a question: Am I dating intentionally, or am I just going through the motions?

Because finding someone isn't only about meeting the right person. It's also about becoming someone who knows how to recognize, communicate, and nurture a genuine connection.

And that starts long before you meet your match.

Ready to meet someone in real life?

At Food Friends Love, we believe that the best connections happen when you put down your phone, show up, and give yourself the chance to meet someone new.

Join us at one of our upcoming events on October 28, November 5, 12, and 27, or December 3.

We may also be adding another date for an invitation-only dinner, so stay tuned for more details.

After all, you never know where the night might take you. And wouldn't it be a shame to ghost your way out of a story that hasn't even begun?